GAS

Today I saw a news item about gasoline going down by a nickel. Used to be you didn't see those. In 1980, gasoline was $1.38 a gallon. The day after his inauguration, Reagan removed the U.S. Government price controls, and gasoline promptly dropped to less than a dollar. It never hit $1.38 again until 2000. How do you think McDonald's would have made out if a Big Mac had cost the same in 2000 as it did in 1980?

All through those years the media noted faithfully when the price went up, but ignored any price reductions. If you had estimated the price of gas based on the ups and downs on TV you would have figured it went for about the same as Chanel No. 5.

Back when crude tripled in price the first time (from $3 in 1973 to $10 in 1974) the U.S. auto market cratered in favor of smaller imported cars. Detroit had no small cars, so they tried to sell the concept of "range." The marketers figured "range" made people think of jet aircraft, and compared to an F-14 an American car used hardly any fuel at all. I remember a Buick Century had a range of 240 miles in 1974. The next year it had a range of 300 miles, because they gave it a 20 gallon tank instead of 16.

But the public went to little cars and the American car makers went to Congress. For money, of course; the one form of government intervention that seems to remain popular with business persons.

When I say"public" I am excluding Real Men. Real Men drive two kinds of vehicles, both defined by TV advertising. One is a truck that can drive through two feet of mud while 1200 pounds of concrete or steel beams drop out of the sky into its bed. The other kind is a car that can do a hundred miles an hour on an animated road that twists around like a giant gutshot cobra. For Real Men who live on the East Coast (undoubtedly for reasons beyond their control) an acceptable alternative is a car that can drive 90 miles an hour through 20 blocks of downtown Manhattan without encountering another vehicle.

Real Men have always met their responsibilities and gas prices be damned. Their families never go from Winn Dixie to the soccer field without the security of a 300 horsepower V-8, four wheel drive, and all terrain tires. Real Men know that the purpose of countries with funny names is to make us mad so we can start wars, not to be selling us little bitty cars. For Real Real Men, selling us little cars is a reason to start a war. For a while there in the '80s they were getting ready to go over and take the Japs down again. Remember how the Japanese stayed clear of the Coalition of the Willing? Debt of Honor. They owed Saddam big time for distracting us into Kuwait ten years before.

You can tell a Real Man because about midnight when his wife is asleep you'll see his bathroom light come on. He's locked himself in there with the Hummer catalog he keeps rolled up and stuck down in one of his muddy boots. The people who buy little wimpy cars to save on gas are not Real Men. They're mostly Democrats. They probably own less than one gun per family member. For sure, a lot of them are Short People.

The U.S. car companies have had 35 years since the last time. You'd think they would at least have put together a plan for switching to smaller cars when the same thing happened again. Instead they're sitting around wondering why having their market crater for the same reasons as last time produces such a sensation of deja vu. Sometimes I imagine Detroit executives at their morning meetings saying "Hey! Who's carrying the brain cell today?"

Unfortunately it will be the middle class dude -- Joe the car guy -- losing jobs and pay while the execs get paid off and go around again. It's kind of like Wall Street -- the rich guys jump out of windows, and the rest of us get splattered all over the sidewalk. But Joe will be able to handle it. He's a Real Man.

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